Coincidence? I think not.

Now more than ever I’m convinced angels are little old ladies…

My friend Scott read my post yesterday and linked me a blog he wrote years ago, before we ever met. And strange enough, the store he drove his angel to was Kmart.

http://sssemester.blogspot.com/2008/01/entertaining-angelas-unawares.html

Funny how God works…

Angel

Last night I met an angel. And actually, her name is Angel. The cynical side of me questioned the empty space in my car on my way home if she was actually born with that name, or later decided to use that moniker. But who cares? She’s Angel. My Angel.

I’ve never really spent much time envisioning what an angel on Earth actually looks like, but now that I’ve met one, it all makes sense. She’s a little old lady, seemingly fragile so that you may think she’s well into her 80s, but her sharp wit suggests much younger. I don’t find it a productive use of time to try and figure her age out. If she is indeed in her 80s, that wit is what keeps her young. And if she does happen to be, say, 60…well I can only imagine her hard life has aged her. But I digress….age doesn’t matter in the slightest.

The way I came to know Angel is very special. Kristy, a friend and member of my small group at church, met her in the Kmart parking lot when Angel asked for a ride home. If you know my friend Kristy, you know her heart is so big and the smile on her face even bigger, so of course she was going to take this sweet woman home. On the drive home, Kristy learned Angel was in need of things. Warm shoes. An electric bill that needed to be paid.

It’s funny how God works. Our small group had recently been talking about how we could bear the image of Christ better, serve others and just be on God’s time to allow these things to happen. Angel was God’s direct answer to the questions we’d been asking ourselves in the group. That night Kristy bought Angel shoes and offered to pay her bill. Kristy didn’t know if we’d help her alleviate the cost and she didn’t do it to make herself feel better. She did it because there was a need to be filled and it’s what Jesus would have done.

And with that, our group has started a relationship with our Angel. Kristy had the opportunity to learn some of her story and invited her to one of our Tuesday night social gatherings. We were going to have dinner, learn more about this woman and just be in community. Something came up, as somethings always do, and dinner would have to wait. The small groups of my church take turns cleaning the church and it was our turn. So instead of having dinner, the only night the week our group could clean was Tuesday night. And what I find to be semi-miraculous (as to not take away the sheer wonder of miracles), Angel came to help. I wasn’t there that night, but couldn’t believe this woman we barely knew would come help do our dirty chores. (This is the second time non-small group members have helped us…and I’m always shocked. I know it’s not something I would do. Who wants to go clean someone else’s church?) And now that I’ve met dear Angel, I can’t believe a.) had the energy to help and b.) she even wanted to come. But even as I type that, I’m shaking my head. Of course Angel would help. She’s an Angel, come on Kelly.

That brings me to last night. Kristy arranged a dinner and we all came to her house to see Angel again and to hear her story. I hadnt met her yet, so I was anxious. A bit nervous, too. At this point she wasn’t my angel, just a woman I had heard about and wanted to help, even if it was just with a utility bill. The minute I met her and introduced myself, she hugged me. Then she got a better look and said, “Oh. I didn’t meet you last time. Oh well. I woulda hugged you anyway.” I knew I liked her that minute.

The next part of the evening was great. I sat around with some of my favorite people chatting, laughing, re-telling stories of our week. Angel would weigh in, share her two cents and make us all roar with laughter. It’s what I imagine my adult relationship with my Grandma Wilma would be like if she was still living today. This continued long around the dinner table. When there was a lull in conversation, Angel said, “Okay. Listen up.”

What happened next…it was special. Angel read us a letter she had written that day. I originally was going to share the contents here, but I feel like it was one of those intimate moments of your life you just wouldn’t want to spoil by putting it on the Internet. But I can tell you this: this woman has seemingly nothing, but ultimately everything. She has radical faith in Christ and His love. She trusts Him to take care of her, and asked Him to bless us…from everything from finances to intellect. All I wanted to do after hearing her letter was scoop her up, adopt her and make sure she never had a want again. However, I really don’t think that’s what she wants from us. Sure, we can get her some new warm shoes and help with bills, but I think she’d want us to be Angels to others.

I’m not one who goes on and on about miracles on Earth, but I feel like last night I was part of a tiny one. I think this woman has been a special blessing to my small group and I am so thankful for it. All day she’s been at the front of my mind. Kind of like that reminder from Christ that certain things just aren’t important…or at least as important as I thought. It’s especially relevant during this advent season.

I still don’t know much about Angel. I look forward to getting to know her better, be in community with her and to learn from her. I’m just so thankful my path has crossed hers and I can only hope that I can bear the image of Christ that she does.

new beginnings, fresh starts

I used to think that people wanted to hear what I had to say when I blogged.  Then I had an identity crisis and was worried that I was super narcissistic, so whenever I would get poised to blog…an empty Word document or Pages app opened…I would freeze.   Who wants to read what I have to say?

Thus ensued a very long pause in my blog activity.

But then this morning, driving across town tending to Savvy business, a song came on the radio and I just started sobbing.  Immediately I wanted pen and paper and I wanted to write.  It hit me that I needed this outlet, beyond my inner dialogue and prayers and even my personal journaling.  This allows me to put thoughts out there; read it, don’t read it, reply, don’t reply, give insight, or don’t…but I just need to…expose my thoughts.  Perhaps not the best choice of word…but it really makes my point, huh?

The song that hit me like a ton of bricks is one of my favorite songs we sing at Common Ground.   Every time I hear this song I am reminded that I am one big walking contradiction.  I sing these words and I believe them with my heart but my actions are the biggest farce.

If MySpace was still relevant to the non-musicians of the social media world, I’d totally post a clip of this song.  And if I was a tad more tech savvy, I could probably still do that.  But there is beauty in stripping away the musical accompaniment and just reading these powerful lyrics.

Forever Reign

You are good, You are good

When there’s nothing good in me

You are love, you are love

On display for all to see

You are light, You are light

When the darkness closes in

You are hope, You are hope

You have covered all my sin

You are peace, You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You’re the reason that I sing

You are life, You are life

In You death has lost its sting

Oh, I’m running to Your arms,

I’m running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reigh

You are more, You are more

Than my words will ever say

You are Lord, You are Lord

All creation will proclaim

You are here, You are here

In your presence I’m made whole

You are God, You are God

Of all else I’m letting go

Oh, I’m running to Your arms

I’m running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

My heart will sing

No other name

Jesus, Jesus

Oh, I’m running to Your arms

I’m running to Your arms

The riches of Your love

Will always be enough

Nothing compares to Your embrace

Light of the world forever reign

I could do running commentary on every single line of that song, even the ones that are repeated and say something different each time.  I listened to this song about a dozen times after my initial bawl-fest, and I just got so mad at myself.  There are things I desire that I don’t have, nor do I really have much control over…not-so-gory details spared, I don’t have them currently and want it bad.  Maybe more than wanting to live a life that reflects Jesus’ love.

I don’t think I’m being very articulate…but I think some kind of canned cliché would fit here.  Someone may even quote that Proverb about God granting me the desires of my heart.  However, I think my desires need to be re-evaluated.  Rather, maybe re-prioritized?  Either way, I can’t put all my eggs in the proverbial basket and keep gallivanting about, expecting things to fall into place without relying on God a whole heck of a lot more.

All of this to say, what’s occupying my thoughts, I am trying desperately to hand over to God.  My prayer is that I can remember God’s grace and love and that His plan is far more amazing than any plan I could ever create or dream up.  Giving it over to God; starting fresh.

Tuesday April 5, 2011

Raise your hand if you have stunk at blogging lately.

Can you imagine a little girly with pigtails sitting at her school desk waving her arm frantically in the air?  Yep.  That’d be me.  Or at least, how I feel regarding the above question.

I love to write, I love to tell a story, and well, as many of you know, I like attention…so what’s up with the lack of blogging?  I have a few ideas.

I’m too darn busy.

No one really cares about what is being written.

Once I find the time, I have zero energy to write something witty/interesting/thoughtful/worth reading/funny/etc.

I have always said that I didn’t really care who read  or what people thought of this little guilty pleasure of mine…so getting defensive about my lack of blogging is really just a moot point, I suppose, huh?

Moving on.

There are only a few things going on in my life that are worthy to share. 

My nephew continues to be the most perfect little human being I’ve ever beheld.  Well, he spits up a lot, but it’s totally worth it.  And since I haven’t shared any updated photos…please…allow me…

Gosh, he’s getting so big.

Other exciting news: My best friend is pregnant, due mid-May, and I’m the godmother!  The emotion I feel with this honor…inexplicable.  I mean, I am just so excited that she’s is pregnant, and to be asked to be the godmother…wow.  I’m excited for his arrival, that is for sure.

I guess another reason I avoid updating is my thoughts can start to overwhelm me.  For example, I want to share what’s been going on in my heart regarding God’s will for me and my desire to reflect Him.  But then I lose focus and would start rambling, and well, I do that enough as it is. 

So I’ll just say this for now.  If you’re struggling with your identity in Christ or you just would like solid answers about living the life Christ has called you to…you should totally podcast the sermon series my church is doing on 1 Corinthians right now.  Anything I could say here would pale in comparison. 

Maybe I’ll see y’all again real soon.  

Friday February 4, 2011

I have started about a dozen blogs, either in my head or physically typed out in the past two weeks…and deleted each and every one.  I know most people think of a blog as a self-indulgent practice of vanity.  And you know what?  For the most part it is.  I can accept that I like to talk and this let’s me do so.  But I also love words and writing and telling stories…a good reason to blog, I say.  I am definitely a sucker for a light-hearted anecdotal blog.  But lately, I appreciate this blog for the honest outlet it is for me, and the accountability it also allows.  And really…that’s why I have deleted said posts.  I want to be honest about things going on, but for fear of self-absorbed vanity or fear of telling the truth of what’s going on, I just haven’t written anything. 

So without futher verbose preambling…I just wanna reflect on one thing from last week’s sermon. 

My church (www.cground.org) is doing a sermon series on 1 Corinthians.  Say what you will about series, I’ve come to accept them and appreciate my church for their thoughtful planning.  This series is just starting off, and has already proved to be a doozie.  One question that has just been looming over me: What is between you and the cross?  It’s a simple, straightforward, not-too-out-of-the-ordinary question for a pastor to challenge his congregation with (I tried sooo hard not to end that sentence with a preposition, sorry!). 

I take this question in may ways.  What gets between me and my relationship with God? Jesus? The Holy Spirit?  What gets in the way between me and the pure awe of a love so sacrficial someone died a death I cannot fathom?  What gets in the way of me and the lifestyle for which God has called me? 

I could go on…but I will refrain for the moment. 

Instead, I kind of want to paint a picture.  Imagine a wooden cross, say 4 feet high, that sits in a santurary.  And around it are these little knick knacky things that represent what stands in the way of me and my God.  People.  Relationships.  Social events.  Food.  Sex.  Coach purses.  Tiffany jewelry.  Perhaps a nice painting of the life I THINK I should have, all pretty and water-colory and fabulous.  One by one I just wanna kick these things out of the way, but there’s a part of me that just swoops in, grabs a person, a purse, maybe a pair of earrings…and then looks to Jesus.  Ugh.  I just really want to change my entire mentality.  I want to be a better person that reflects a loving, sovereign, powerful, yet mysterious God. 

Praying that I lose the clutter and fix my eyes.

Friday January 21, 2011

I have been writing a post in my head titled “Semi Charmed Kind of Life.”  I am actually taking time to form a meaningful post…but in the meantime, this has been swirling in and out of my head the last few days.

Monday is the 1 year anniversary of me being fired from my teaching job.  That’s really a post in and of itself that may come Monday, but there is one thing I still haven’t figured since that dreadful(ly awesome) day.  What in the world do I want to do with my life?  I mean, this is a loaded question if I’ve ever known one…but seriously…what do I want?  I started dating someone, thinking they were what I wanted in a romantic (potential marriage) partner.  I chased after several chidlren’s ministry job oppurtunities, thinking that was to be my next career.  Really, love/relationships and my “career path” are just…well, they elude me, as words have just now.  Sometimes I think I know what I want or like regarding these two areas of my life…other times I am just so lost…

Speaking of those things I know I like and or want…maybe I should start there?  The power of positive thinking, right?  And since I love lists, for your reading pleasure…

A Random Collection of Things Kelly Likes and/or Wants Regarding Love, Relationships. Career and Et Cetera and/or She Knows To Be True About Herself as She Tries To Figure the Rest Out:

I want a job that is more than just a job and does something to help the greater good.

I want a relationship that is centered on Christ.

I love hoodies and will always love hoodies.

I will most likely always fall asleep to a movie if it is dark and/or late.

 I really want to be romanced.  I don’t want to be that girl that waxes on all cynically about how flowers die or she doesn’t need chivalry.  I tried that.  Turns out I think I’m missing romance.

I want to take care of people.  In relationships, maybe for my career.  And I kind of want to be taken care of…to an extent.

I will never manage my finances as well as I should.

I do not take care of my things (Tyrone and his one hubcap, for instance) therefore I will probably never have NICE things.  Oh, and I will always hit curbs.  Don’t ask.  I cannot explain it.

I will most likely will always struggle with this weight loss as I love food and being lazy just too darn much.

I will always be a morning person.  Campbell genes.

I will always enjoy napping.  Campbell genes.

I will always write long, verbose lists.  Campbell genes.

I will always trying to blames my short comings on someone else, like Campbell genes.  (Whoops)

OK, this list is a bit self-indulgent, but isn’t that what blogs are all about?  Ok, well, maybe not…but well…mine is?  Haha.

So, if anyone could figure anything out about my life for me based on this list, I’d much appreciate that.   Many thanks.

Keep your eyes peeled for “A Semi Charmed Kind of Life”!

Tuesday January 11, 2011

You know when you are just talkingtalkingtalking, and something comes out of your mouth that just makes so much sense?  Well, that happened to me Sunday evening.

My twitter friend @ChewyWalrus has become my real friend Stephen.  We were out to dinner, post-Black Swan (whoa!), and catching up since it has been so long (too long!) since we’ve hung out.  Well, last he knew, I was not dating for a year.  Bah.  Oops.  So I gave him the rundown of how I sucked at that goal, starting in the summer when I (re)met someone and became super-interested, all the way to present day, detailing the less-than-tragic non-end to my most recent foray into an adult relationship. 

We chat, he listens so well, and we chat about love in general.  And then the most profound thing just spilled out of my mouth.  “I’m a love agnostic.”  OK, so maybe not so profound, but it’s true.  I think I will believe in it when I experience it first hand.  I mean, I KNOW it does, I have great examples of marriage and love all around me…but as far as a romantic love relationship between me and a man existing…believing will take experiencing.  Someone in my house church told of a couple that ended up married because they said they just couldn’t possibly “serve God better apart than together.”  There is just absolutely no way I can be in a relationship with a man, even a good guy that loves Jesus, if I just don’t feel that to be true.  So, for that reason (and a smattering of others), I am single.  I’m right back where I was a year ago. 

And so today is January 11th.  A year ago today I made a goal to stop dating for a year.  And well, we know how that turned out.  I didn’t intend to post a blog about dating today, or even think about blogging about the end of something that never even finished.  But it’s funny how those things work out, eh?

All that being said…I no longer really see love and relationships as any kind of priority in my life right now, at least beyond my love for and relationship with God.  I’ve got to work on that whole “How am I serving God?” question that is nagging inside my gut.  I mean, I serve on the visual tech team at church.  I serve in the children ministry.  I try my darnedest to be a woman that reflects God.  But how am I serving Him?  I know in my job I can serve Him…but that definitely isn’t all and is by no means how I want my life to be defined.  But wait, scratch that.  I’m not out to define my life, but to give glory to the One who created me by serving Him.   When I was a teacher, this was much easily answered, as I felt my job was quite the arena for serving God and trying to reflect His love.  Eyewear, not so much.

So I guess I’ll take being a love agnostic if I can just figure out in what capacity God wants me to serve Him.  Maybe by serving Him and learning to accept His unconditional love and trying to reflect that towards others I will find what it means to love another person in a romantic capacity?  Oh goodness, I don’t even know. 

Kelly.  Love agnostic. Child and servant of God.